Once upon a time I got embroiled in the comments section of a thread written by a woman I admired.
She railed against polyamory as trauma bonding, no different from humans who enjoy a ‘vending machine of lovers’ and avoiding real connection — claiming that ‘sacred union’ was only possible in the context of monogamy.
My commitment to ethical non-monogamy is new, but after 12 years as an out queer woman, this post felt all too familiar.
A sweeping, blanket judgment against an entire group of people and the ways and hows and whys of their love (and their love-making), written by someone who planted herself firmly outside of this group.
This is not limited to polyamory or queerness, this sort of projection occurs over and over again, whenever we creep closer to the edges, leaving the exalted center of heteronormative sex occurring within the realm of committed (read: monogamous + vanilla) partnership.
man + woman + till death do us part (or some version of) + missionary + conventionally attractive + private + babies + happily ever after = acceptable.
Exist outside the gender binary? Got a collection of collars and restraints and like it hard and rough? Want your lover to have the same parts as you? Desire more than one human or more than one gender at once? Have a secret, kinky turn on that people think is weird? Have a primary partner and one or more secondary partners? Blow the hierarchy out of the water entirely and embrace relationship anarchy as a positive force? Dream of a great big orgy of hedonistic desire?
You dirty, deviant little freak, you.
Truth: Sex is only palatable to the masses when it’s heteronormative, perfectly vanilla (no kinky shit, please and thank you), safely monogamous and fits into the fairytale of heading straight for marriage and babies and happily ever after.
We’ve all lived too damn long lugging around this puritanical notion that pleasure must be villainized to protect us from ourselves.
The only question you need to ask is this:
Is everyone involved in full personal safety and enthusiastic consent?
Ask it loudly and repeatedly if you need to.
Then you go with your bad, brilliant, beautiful, pleasure-filled self.
Fuck the masses and what they deem acceptable.
Fuck the projection and judgments.
We’ve all wasted way too much damn time in the closet.
Our bodies are here to feel good.
And what makes that happen isn’t for anyone else to decide.
Just you and your partner(s).
End of story.
your body is not the enemy
your sex is not a scandal
your skin needs no censor
you are not here for denial
your pleasure is
what the universe
it is the purpose
excerpt from | Treatise of Touch